Recently I found myself being tired and procrastinate-y, the kind of tired where I just don't feel like doing anything but play games and doom-scroll like a mindless thrall. I didn't even feel like coding or streaming much in the last few months.

The feeling felt adjecant to me being emotionally drained after class. It's as if I give so many slices of myself in my day job that once I'm in private with friends and family, I end up being a lesser version of myself.

(This is one of the reasons I'm leaving. I don't think I can continue living with the idea of not being 100% for close friends and families)

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they trust me with all their issues, and I'm more than happy to help them, but man, it is exhausting.

Usually, I can recover and feel the urge to stream or be productive. Nowadays, it feels like I take longer to recover, although thankfully, because of how much I just decide not to do work, I usually recover in time to be avaliable for friends and family (at least that part is working)

I noticed that this issue started since the start of last trimester. It makes sense because I am now leading the freshmen project modules and handling more TAs. A lot more students are coming up to me for advice, resolve team drama and even the seniors (and I know they are the better performing students) are venting to me about other lecturers AND their teams.

I think the faculty meetings play a part too. I used to be more energised in them but now, after seeing that each faculty have their own agendas and motivations, it feels like we are always running around like headless chickens with no direction. That was tiring.

What's even more tiring is when direction eventually came, it a profit-driven one, where we boil students down to money.

Well, not just money but quick money. It feels like the school has little interest building up any legit form of reputation and culture within the region.

Things like: hey this batch of students is getting majorly fucked by this poorly thought out system, how can we help them? Well, we will take note of it and fix it for the next batch. But what about this batch? No apologies, no compensation, nothing? Just leave them to die? (I'm looking at you IWSP).

I complained, but what's the use as the person I'm complaining to is ALWAYS the messanger, not the real person behind everything.

Just imagine being told to treat students like money, while facing their emotions day in day out as they face broken systems imposed onto them by some out of touch fella up there, WHILE being the person to execute the system.

It feels like blood on my hands.

And for the cherry on top, it seems that my direct boss is happy to hum their tune.

Anyway, 1+ more year and I'm out so at least I feel some kind of relief.